I have been running away from myself for years. Lately, I have been feeling really good. But, I have to say, that I think it’s because of what I have been working through with my therapist. I thought I’d share some of it.
*******Not the actual sessions – NOT to worry – we have our own sessions to deal with. **********
This is how it was explained to me after 40 some odd years of banging my head against the wall…. this comes from a combination of things my therapist has told me and from a book I’ve been working with called, “Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life”, by Steven C. Hayes, PH.D with Spencer Smith. I apologize for not citing that correctly.
OK, so this is my therapist, me and the book all mixed up – bare with me!
My “disorder” and how it works in my life is like me standing in the middle a battlefield actually fighting in the war. And, it’s not going well at all. I’m losing miserably – sound familiar? So, what do I do? I fight harder and harder and even harder. Losing is a “devastating” option; but unless the war is won, I don’t think living a worthwhile life is possible. I don’t want to die – never have, but living a “worthwhile” life isn’t possible. So I fight harder and harder. And, of course, the war goes on.
Unknown to me, is the fact that, at any time, I could quit the battlefield… walk off… and live life, right now!
“The war may still go on, and the battlefield may still be visible. The terrain may look very much as it did while the fighting was happening. But the outcome of the war is no longer very important and the seemingly logical sequence of having to win the war before beginning to really live has been abandoned.”
“I am bipolar”, I said to my therapist? “Do you know of many bipolar people who are able to walk away from a fight”?
Welp, ladies and gentlemen… I had tried everything else up to that point. I had fought the fight. MANY… MULTIPLE… fights. And, so we went through the pages of the book and his thoughts on how this would happen for me and I gave into it. What the hell did I have to lose?
NOTHING. I could list everything for ya that I’d lost, but my list would look a lot like yours I would imagine. So… what’s that point? You get the gist.
That was February… Here I am. I am not fixed. But I am better… better than I can ever remember being. For how long? I don’t care. I’m not depressed. And, most of all, I’m not manic. I can breath. I can think and concentrate. I feel without a broken heart (most of the time – that is just me by nature).
There is no magic pill. I know that. No super hero. Pretty sure of that – although, I haven’t given up completely on God, yet. I do have my mind. And, while it is NOT very kind to me at times, I am learning how to work with it. I am learning how to recognize the “fight” for what it is…
I was looking for puppy dogs and rainbows – I’m not going kid myself. I was looking for bright sunny skies. I didn’t want to see the battlefield. But, truth is – it’s there. It is there for every single human being, every day – mentally ill or not. *shrug* it is. And, if I decide I wanna fight – I can. AND… there are days I fight regardless if I decided to or not. Many days I fight. But, I can catch myself a lot quicker and – as my Mom said growing up… chose my battles. I always hated her for that comment. Didn’t she know I couldn’t do that????
Anyway… it’s a great book. A fellow blogger also recommend “The Happiness Trap” by Ross Harris. I have started it and it is also EXCELLENT! Also based on the same therapy that “Get Out of Your Mind” is based on.
I think that’s all I’ve got for now… Thanks for listening… Over and out!