I’ve been lost for awhile.
Lost and angry. Mostly angry at that inanimate anger object that we all know we are angry at, but just can’t quite figure out what it is….. that thing.
Aren’t we all angry… a lot.
I shouldn’t assume it’s a “WE” thing.
Just seems like it’s a “WE” thing.
Oh, these moments.
These… “Fuck you all! I want to be alone because you all suck! None of you can be trusted. What’s the point, really?” Yeah, these moments. These indescribable, shitty moments.
Then Therapy Man does his thing and throws out the ole “But do you really want to be alone? Do you really want Lee to be gone? What if he was gone?”
Ya know what Therapy man, I don’t care? He can go! You can all go! But… in all honesty, I sat there and cried and tried not to blow snot bubbles out of my nose. Frozen in that anger!
And so I sat there… Truth is I do want to be alone. It seems so muh easier. I’ve had it with people and trust. I don’t even want to try, but I don’t want to give up either. I’m tired of pain. I’m tired of tears… don’t we (there’s that word again) all get tired of it and need to reboot?
I’m tired of putting in effort, but Therapy Man is also right and I know that.
I’m numb…. again. I used to like to listen to music, but I can’t. I use to run… nope! Normal just isn’t normal anymore. I can’t trust anyone anymore.
It all just sucks.
But, I know that I’m moving forward. If you’ve made it this far in the post, there is movement. I’m not attacking myself anymore. I’m angry. I’m tired. I’m shitty at the world. But, it’s not at myself. I’m guessing that this points to some form of forward movement….