I suppose it’ll happen now and then….

Every now and then I like to spread a little Black Eyed Peas your way… No, really… I woke up and the anxiety beast was stirrin’. Not really any reason for it. LIKE THERE IS EVER A REASON FOR IT! Shit… really.

So I think to myself… not what a wonderful world, that’s for damn sure. Sorry Louis (Armstrong)! Since there isn’t anything bothering me and all the shit that could be bothering me is OLD SHIT. What should I do???? I don’t wanna sit around with it. I’m grateful as crap for what I have. I’m thankful. I’ve done what I can… I baked another pie for God’s sake! I’ve played with the dog. I’ve worked out.

Work it… work it… where’s my book? Walk away, Jami. Walk away from it! The anxiety will always be there, Girl. The battlefield is always there and so is your life! Fight? Or live it? Fuck, seriously? Take some xanax and tie up the anxiety Orcs in the bag and throw ’em to the side. They can wobble around like weebles all they want, but they can’t hurt you if you don’t play with them. Live your life!

Which brings me to a whole different topic… the whole living life issue. I’m not sure I have one because I’ve never really thought about it much. I’ve been so busy fighting Orcs. But, I’ll go there some other time. That could potentially be a HUGE entry… and also a very anxiety provoking entry… since I’m here trying to rid myself of the bitch… I think I’ll avoid it Thank You Very Much!!!!

I’m off. Thanks for listening… if you are!

Moving on… Me and my dog!!! … and no anxiety beast!

False “betters”

I think I’ve just been carrying around all of this old stuff…..

School gave us an extra day this year. I was like… Well, thank you school system, NOT! This is some kind of fucked up joke. I don’t do unstructured time. Who are you kidding? The more days I have off towards a Monday, the less likely I am to get to school on that Monday. 

Monday and Tuesday the teachers and kids were all like “Whoop-dee-doo we get Wednesday”. And, I’m all like, Shiiiiiittttt, No… I can’t do this!!!!!!. Yesterday the custodians had to shove me out the doors and I was all like… NOOOOO please, you don’t understand.  Grabbing a hold of the doors… kickin’ and screaming and shit!

All week I was dreading this day. Who the hell does that?!?! I woke up, though, this morning – luckily 🙂  and realized that maybe this is all just OLD SHIT. Yeah, just old shit that I’m carrying around and I don’t have to carry it around …

Seriously, Jami??? What the fuck? What is the problem with 5 days off? IT’S FREE! It’s crappy out, but it’s FREE.

No one is out there hurting you…. like in the past.
You don’t have to run around pleasing anyone…. like in the past.
You can sleep in… get up… lay around.. work out… Do WHATEVER the hell you wanna do and NO ONE is gonna give a rat’s ass (thank God for that).
No fighting. No yelling… like in the past.

Mmmmm…… I venture to say….. my friend…. all of those things are “old things” and you are gonna be able to have fun and play and it’ll all be ok… yes, it’s all gonna be ok. 🙂

Humph.

That’s what I’ve got… Humph.

And… Eh… I’ve got… Eh…. that too….

It’s creepy (creepy? is that the word I want?) when you realize that maybe you have been holding onto something for so long for no reason other than you think you needed it to protect yourself. Or, you thought you were protecting yourself with it. It’s like you have this baby skin… this delicate sorta self that you are gonna test the waters with… and, it’s exciting…

While it hasn’t been a conscious effort, I think things have just sorta taken shape. I’ve had some positive interactions (ok, let’s go with necessary interactions) with my boyfriend surrounding our relationship. He doesn’t “get” my illness and I do “get” that. He’s been taking advantage of our relationship and I see that and now he sees that I see that…. uh, never mind. We are communicating better….. Which is huge!!!

IDK… I think I’m becoming “MYSELF”. Slowly, VERY SLOWLY, but surely. Two weeks ago I wanted to die… or, at best, wanted to cease existing the way I was existing. Maybe this is what I was reaching for when I was feeling that way???? Maybe not. Who knows.

Anyway… we all know that when we feel better… we will do just about anything to continue down this path… Anything! Sometimes, we stop and question if “better” is truly better because there have been a LOT of FALSE betters along the way. We shall see. I’m going to take the weekend and see what happens.

Moving on… Me and my dog!!!

Poor, poor, pitiful me…

I have a five day weekend coming up… one of my fellow teachers reminded me of that today.  I reminded her that I don’t ordinarily handle them well. She said, “Oh, Jami, Monday will be here soon!!!” *Big grin* She was sincerely trying to help. They are few and far between,  the good ones, but they exist.

My “best friend” was going to visit her friend – another teacher – today after work.  She’s been on sick leave for about a month.  It would be fair to say she had a nervous breakdown. She’s being treated by a psychiatrist and is in therapy twice a week now. My friend said she’s really happy for her. It dawned on me during this conversation that she has known me through two hospitalizations and outpatient treatments and NOT once has she visited me… We hang out when I “well”. She definitely lets me know when I habe my head up my ass… but, when it is bad… nada.

This is the very same friend who helped me through 2 1/2 years of Danger Boy… hating him and our existence together nearly every waking second of it – only to have a conversation with him the day we finally ended things and refuses to tell me what the converation was about. He worked as a police officer at our school, until that day, twice a week and she would go out of her way to avoid him. That is how much she disliked – until he went to her that day. I don’t quite grasp her sudden allegiance.

I was still drowning today when I  had the realization that she hadn’t found it important enough….. oh, just forget it. This is a huge poor, poor me entry.

But I write them. I’m allowed to. That’s why I come here. I come to write whatever the hell strikes my fancy.

Moving on. Me and my dog! I can count on my dog!

Poor, poor pitiful me…

Creative self-injury. …

Oh… this dog! God, I love ‘er! She’s alittle goopy eyed in this pic, but she’s a basset hound…

[Possible need for a trigger warning… I do talk about some self injury. I don’t normally post trigger warnings but I’m going to this time.]

Alone time. It’s my best friend and worst enemy. I find my greatest peace and deepest pain when I’m alone. I crave alone time… I think  that I might crave both happiness and pain equally. I have stopped self injurying because I will lose both my boyfriend and my therapist. I have been warned – not to mention the threat of hospitalization. I stopped out right cutting.

It doesn’t mean I don’t think of other ways to do it that people might not recognize. I am a creative person – in my head at least.  I try to keep it in my head and I think I have functioned on the “outside” for as long as I have because I have remained creative only in my head – for the most part… I creatively broke things off with Danger Boy last Fall. I didn’t have the nerve or whatever normal people have to do it the right way. But then, there was nothing right about that situation to begin with.

Last night, my real boyfriend decided to fish until the wee hours of the morning. Yeah, seriously until 6 am. And, I,  in all of my creative glory, decided I should get back at him because I was pissed. Or, maybe I was just pissed in general and in all of my borderline impulse glory instead, just wanted to hurt myself…. so, I concocted a whole story in my head. Why the hell not? I couldn’t sleep! I was gonna “hurt” myself badly enough that I’d need to go the ER, get stitches all the while making him think that I was untangling the dog when she got spooked, tripped me up…. hit my head…. he wasn’t home… wouldn’t he feel like shit… yada, yada, yada….

WHAT THE HELL???? that’s about the time Paisley, the real dog, not the one in my fucked up story in my fucked up head, jumped on me…

WAKE UP MAMA!!! I WOULD LIKE TO PEE 🙂

Uh huh…. for fuck sake what the hell actually happens in my head? Because I can VERY, VERY clearly sit here and see that THAT is beyond messed up… and yet,  I fully bought into it 8 hours ago. Fully. Bought. In!!!

Thank God for that dog… smh… I don’t understand it. I won’t, I suppose. Just moving on… day at a time… me and my dog.

God made me as a test model!

I just want to be able to trust someone. That’s it. But the window is shrinking… and it’s not just guys. I never really trusted women much (at all really) and I just scratched one of them off the board. No, seriously, fuck that. It’s like I’m looking through some sort of camera lens and its collapsing in on me slowly. Done. And. Done. With this shit!

I suck at it anyway. I trust the wrong ones. Then I end up trusting the “right” ones at the wrong time and …

BASICALLY, I didn’t get a fucking Life Manual at birth! God forgot to program me with that shit. Instead, he made me the “Borderline Personality” model which came not only WITHOUT the damn manual, but with all the wires fucked up. I was a TEST MODEL! Only no one told my parents… Or, they were test models too…. wait, we were a TEST FAMILY!!!

Fuck my life! I think I just figured it out. This a test and we all failed.

Yeah, FML for sure… Seriously though… aren’t we all sort of test models? That’s why my BP II meds don’t work the same for you… or you… or you! Am I right? God bless it, this is so hard! Certainly is job sercurity for Therapy Man.

All of this because I don’t feel like I can’t trust anyone. Only because… I can’t! Fuckers! As I was saying… because this started off very serious… (I’m serious about the test model thing, tho). This trust issue I’m dealing with… I used to think it was all about just me making poor decisions all of time. But other than the fact that I’m a sickly trusting person… people also just suck sometimes! I shouldn’t trust everyone. Or, maybe, just don’t set myself up believing the world is full of honest, perfect people. Eh… I’m not entirely happy with that statement, but it’s the best that I have at the moment.  I know what I’m trying to say.  That’s what matters.

Ok. I’m done. I’m done with this issue anyway.

Holler if you feel like you’ve been down the same road…

I was sittin’ here yesterday writing after my “locked in the bathroom experience“… which sucked big time! I had the tv on and the concert from Veteran’s Day was replaying. I’m a sentimental piece of work, let me tell ya! And, I’m a huge “let the music move ya” gal. And I was movin’ – all the way from Carrie Underwood to Metallica. But the one that got me most was Eminem… NOW WAIT FOR IT! I’m not rap enthusiast, but – admittedly –  I am a lyric whore. I steal people’s words all of the time. I use them to swing my own moods.

His “Not Afraid” is an old school song of his. I keep finding myself in last week. Which is not so bad for me. I usually land in 20 years ago. The fucked up part (excuse my language, but I’m preparing you for Eminem lyrics so what the hell) is that I feel guilty right now for feeling better so quickly. Yeah… the brain of a borderline freak. Now my brain is twisting around with the “I don’t feel better.” argument… eh! Ok, ooook.

His song? Feeling better? Or, not so bad? Why am I compromising with my brain? I just know that I HAVE to have better week than my last 7 days. I know I can. I realized yesterday while locked in the bathroom – I suppose that was God’s idea also…. he’s a sneaky shit! Oh… probably not cool to call him that. Especially on a Sunday. I realized that I may just be doing a lot of this out of habits that I’ve created to survive and maybe I don’t need them so much anymore…. I don’t know. It’s a theory I’m working on. As if I don’t have anything else to do… Um… I really don’t have much else… Anyway. Here’s a few of the lyrics. The video follows if you dare to open yourself up to some seriously decent rap… Otherwise… I’m off.

And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, I’ma face my demons
I’m manning up, I’ma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now! (now)

____________

I’m not afraid (I’m not afraid)
To take a stand (to take a stand)
Everybody (everybody)
Come take my hand (come take my hand)
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that you’re not alone
Holler if you feel like you’ve been down the same road (same road)

Deep thoughts while locked in the bathroom… no really!

Warning: this may sound weird, but I am locked in my bathroom and all I have is my tablet. The closest person to me is a good hour out… so…. yeaahhh…. It’s gonna be a good minute or two.

So, I decided I’d read… I’ve been reading Brene Brown’s book, “Daring Greatly”. Currently she’s talking about self love. So, naturally I got squimmish and started to shut down. Stop reading! All done! Next! Ya see, self love pisses me off. And, that’s not a good thing because the bottle of xanax is on the kitchen counter….

For whatever reason, this has been a horrible week. I woke up Thursday morning closer to wanting to die – or not wanting to live – than I can ever remember. I wonder, at times, if we are made to forget the other times we’ve been so low, but I digress. This week sucked! I fight happiness at every turn. I refuse to accept that I’m remotely worthy of pretty much anything. I have argued with my therapist to the point that he has actually told me that he’s done giving me sympathy.

As I read Brene I just couldn’t wrap my head around how uncomfortable I was and why I hate myself so much? At this point, 48 years old, is it just a habit, maybe? I mean seriously? I really think it might be. I say I’m fighting happiness at every turn yet I don’t know why… maybe I can’t figure it out because there is nothing to fight anymore.

I wonder what it would feel like if I just stepped off my back and left myself alone for a change?!?!?  Honestly, just thinking about it is kinda exciting. And, luckily the need for xanax has subsided! Yeah… still stuck in here!

I don’t know. Just something to think about.

Um… thanks for keeping me company? Ok, how awkward is that? No seriously. I’m just sitting here typing.. and reading.. ok, I was reading and then typing. I’m going back to reading now… ok, I’m going to stop now.

You got this girl!

I’ve said it a lot – maybe just to myself. I have a lot of those conversations…. But I think I’ve said it a lot… this is my journal and I put it online. I have been in therapy for a LONG time and/but I do understand that there is benefit in hearing other people’s stories. So, I put it online. And, I read other journals for that very reason.

Lately I have felt like the screen has been holding me hostage. Maybe I’m holding back and afraid to write what I really come to write. Afraid that I’ll offend someone. Some comments I got a month or two back shook me – some games that were being played.. Yeah.. But it slowed me down for a bit and then stopped me for a bit. I realized that THAT was bullshit.  I get that we are all a struggling here so I guess it is what it is. I have to realize that. I just hate it.

I need this place tho. I came here last summer day in and day out. I worked my ass off. I got somewhere with it and felt good. I need to get back to talking to myself and getting back in control of my head and not my head in control of me…. which sounds incredibly weird… eh.. but it makes sense to me.

You want to stay angry Jami. You want to stay down. 

It’s easier. It’s where I am comfortable. It’s me!

You worked too damn hard last summer in your blue Adirondack chair with your pup by your side…. the battlefield high on the hill… ignoring those fucking Orcs. Jason was on his way out ON YOUR TERMS. You were going to be ok. You were ready. You were working so hard. What the fuck happened?

I don’t know. School started and he didn’t leave.I wasn’t ready. I just haven’t recovered yet. And all these people are in my space now and I’m just not there… I don’t know where “there” is, but I know that there is a “there”. My plan was that I’d make it and he wasn’t going to be in it and I’d be so much better off. I’d STILL BE SAFE and this time it’d be on my own.

Too many “there”s, but I get it. It is still out here, girl. And, he is definitely gone. And, it is the best thing that could have happened to you at this point in your life. It’s just the battlefield. Step back and let it happen. It will go on without you, Sweet Pea. It doesn’t need you. So don’t give up. Not yet. Get back to it… You got this girl! 

P.S. I love you, too.

New blog… really like this and wanted to get it out to people….

Day 2

 there is absolutely no way to say “i hate my life – fuck off” with this staring at you at 5 in the morning.

… and so my day began and life continues (the life part was not necessarily ever in question) because of Paisley. I’m certain there was some element of God involved. Therapy Man tells me that I can’t continue to question his (God’s) existence and be angry at him at the same time. I suppose he is correct.

I suppose you can’t look at that face and question his existence either.

I just don’t know.