Too cheery? Ehh… well, yeah… but we are at the end of the year and I HAD to go through the SET YOUR 2015 GOALS with Therapy Man today so…. TOO FREAKIN’ BAD!
Seriously.
The actual point is to all of this… and for all OF US… is… we lived! Fuck yeah we did. I mean, we are here, right? We didn’t necessarily do it in quite the fashion that One Republic may have. But, shit… we lived. And, if you did it like I did – it probably HURT LIKE HELL sometimes. Ok, most of the time. Uh, yeah. MOST OF THE TIME.
But, shit, when hasn’t it hurt? Therapy Man asked me today if I planned on being miserable the rest of my life? Hmmmm… no, really, I said “Hmmmm” back to him. After 48 years of being miserable all of the time it’s more of a lifestyle than a decision, I think. Then he quoted something spectacular from “The Happiness Trap“. (no, really… it was spectacular I just forget what it was)
So, the song says….
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived
I wonder, did I own every second of my life this year? Kidding… I know the answer to that question. It’s a resounding NO FUCKING WAY! And so, maybe that’s my goal? I don’t need to worry about running around seeing everything. Shit, just opening my eyes to what is within me would be a great start. BUT!!! Wait for it…. What would be HUGE for me would be to actually start owning my life. And, not just the healthy parts either… all of it. It’s all me. To suggest that I’m not in control of my sick part??? Ehhhh… The jury will forever be out on that one. Regardless, I am me – healthy decision or not. I figure if I am healthy enough to come here and “talk” about it. I can certainly take ownership of it. And, I should.
Ok… That’s all I got. Fucking Goals Day with the Therapist. Never a happy experience.
Lil background here… I’m the blonde in the conversation. This was in response to me suggesting that perhaps I not stay with my boyfriend because he literally cheated on me… in front of me… and I thought mayybeee.. that was enough to call it quits because, in all fairness, things haven’t been peachy-keen anyway… what the hell. I realize you aren’t getting the entire conversation here… but there wasn’t much more to it.
How exactly… do you not take any of that negatively? I mean a non-bipolar, non-borderline, non-angry normal 48 year woman (frankly I’m not sure one of those exists) whose boyfriend didn’t just nub himself all over a chick right in front of her is gonna be ticked off! She’s gonna vent to a “friend”. Then, let’s throw in the other things that have been building for months – that said friend is aware of!!!! What the fuck… really? I didn’t include the text that said maybe he’d be willing to stick around and work things through with ME because of my issues? My “self-sabotaging” issues… REALLLLLLLY! Oh! I wish you could sense the anger/frustration right now! FFFFFuck!
—– you may want to jump down the the “take note” part of the entry because right now I’m gonna do a lot of bitching and ranting (same thing – I know… needed to use lots of words). ——–
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I just wanna fuck people up sometimes… ummmm. Not socially acceptable for a teacher. Or, I suppose anyone except maybe a mobster.
Here ya go… “Realistically”, FRIEND, I see myself working things out just fine living with this beautiful creature!
… just sayin’…. she wants a cookie when she comes in from the outside. She’d love to go to the park everyday for a walk. BUT… she doesn’t bitch when she doesn’t get one. She shares her couch with me. When I cry she climbs up into my lap – granted she hangs over a bit – and just sits there while I cry and go crazy. Most importantly, however, she doesn’t have phone to text SHITTY ASS TEXTS! Even though she never would! Because she wouldn’t do that!!! And…. she wouldn’t “nub” all over other people in front of me. Well, not entirely true. If you have a treat she’s gonna love you. So, basically SHE is the complete package!
Yeah. I’ve had shitty relationships. Yeah. I’ve chosen the man. But… let’s chalk experience up here and learn from it and KNOW THAT THIS ONE ISN’T GOOD GOD DAMN IT!
It’s just that I have no spine. No spine to talk to her and say… back off and be nice… of JUST NOT TALK TO HER AT ALL ANYMORE…. This is not the 1st post I’ve talked about “my mean friend”. I have no spine to stand up to him every time he turns the tables on me! Spineless!
Oh… fml!
Uhhhhhh!
TAKE NOTE: This might be the important part of the post! Other parts were just ranting crap!
Ranting finished. I’m not being hard on myself. I’m working on the confidence thing with my therapist and have really come a long way. I had to dig through some other crap before I could even get to the “living a normal bipolar life”. Just doing that took about a year. I’m just tired of people’s crap. I’m tired of taking it. I’m actually tired of watching myself take it. That’s a huge step in itself. I’ve been standing outside of myself for soooo long because inside myself has been awful (it’s still not great, but someone needs to be in there). It’s just time that I get in there and start working with it. I’m kinda like an old rusty carousel or an old calliope that someone (me) gave up on a long time ago. Cool as hell, but I need to get in there and do some work. Parts are still there… just fallin’ apart…. clear up the cob webs… bang out the dents. Throw some paint on… wind it up and let it roll.
I’m still working on the good news part of this… problem with me is that it does matter. It matters so damn much to me that I will give every last bit of myself to make you like me. And, I’m not picky either. You can be a complete piece of crap and if you don’t like me I will completely lose my shit over it.
Seriously. .. oh holy OMG!
The other side of this is that I am starting to resent it… yeah, hmph.. fucked up. I know. Right? So let’s mix this all together with my anger management issues and what do you end up with? You end up with some UGGGLLLY, crying, snot nosed rants from this confused borderline bitch!
Whew! They aren’t pleasant. And, I never have these plesant conversations with the appropriate person. As if there were an appropriate person to have them with… or as if they were appropriate conversations to have in the “form” of which they end up being spewed so eloquently from my lips….
Eh……
Where is the damn book of life and how to live in it? Rules maybe? I don’t know… maybe if people were just nice! Yeah, no. I would fail at that myself. Well, damn it all to hell.
Ran thru roughly $3000 in approximately 9 days. Not on me. Not bills. Not on Christmas presents – not even 1! Uh uh! Nope! Spent it on completely unnecessary and inappropriate bullshit.
So, ask me how I’ve been?!?! By the way, I’m bipolar… annnddd… I’m going out on a limb to say that although that’s a bipolar II diagnosis and – in general don’t have “bipolar mania” – I’m manic as fuck. Or, as an alternative the borderline personality part of me, fondly referred to by many as, Betty, has surfaced.
In addition to the spending there has been other extremely inappropriate behavior that I can’t even write about. God bless my therapist. However, just saw him yesterday and I was back at it today. So I don’t know. Fucked up with a mix of fucked up. Incase I didn’t really make that clear.
That’s about what I got right now as an update. Not fun and definitely not pretty. Actually not good at all… but honest. I’ll get through it. I always do.
I love this song… I love the people here that make me feel like I can get up in the morning and make it through another day! Two of those people awarded me with the Liebster Award recently! I woke up first to NeKaaar’s great honor and just a few days later I found a note in my inbox that Foxyolive had also nominated me! They are both such great bloggers and women! I’m excited that I get to link you guys back to them because I obviously can’t nominate them. This way I don’t have to worry about it. 🙂
Here are the rules for accepting the Liebster Award:
Post the award on your blog.
Thank the blogger (bloggers 🙂 who presented this award and link back to their blog.
Write 11 random facts about yourself.
Nominate 11 bloggers who you feel deserve this award and who have less than 200 followers.
Answer 11 questions posted by the presenter and ask your nominees 11 questions.
Random me….
1) I toured Europe playing jazz piano when I was 15. While I was in Austria I played Adolph Hilter’s grand piano and it was the creepiest experience I can remember.
2) I love Neil Gaiman books… and am rather obsessed with him as well (does that count as 2 facts?)
3) I have the worst hair on the planet!
4) I’m a high school math teacher 🙂
5) I have been married and divorced 3 times. No one mentioned to me that you don’t marry all of your boyfriends and I’m a slow, slow learner. eh.
6) Night time is both my worst enemy and my best friend.
7) I want to visit New Zealand some day.
8) I have a sister who I am deathly afraid of but is one of my best friends. Hmmm.
9) I’m afraid of growing up… and I’m 48 so I think I’m screwed.
10) I absolutely love my parents to piece, but I thank God that I am not one! 🙂
Nekaaar’s Questions…. 11 random things that I am grateful for. I’m not a flowery writer all deep and pretty and colorful… oh well. I’m a math teacher.
*My parents – the fact that I still have them and they are still married after 55 years.
*I have been teaching for 22 years – some of you understand how difficult this can be and why I’m so grateful for it.
*I am a survivor of domestic abuse – yes I’m grateful for the survivor part!
*My Bassett Hound, Paisley
*I have a roof over my head.
*I have a vehicle to get me to work and place I need to go. (Told you that these would be pretty mundane 🙂
*I have access to a computer and can write this blog… which sounds strange, but there have been times in my life that this has been the only lifeline I’ve had. So… grateful for that!
**In 2002 I got really sick and had to stop teaching. I was put in a group home and hospitalized multiple times. At that point I was told I would live in a residential setting and AT BEST work part time for the rest of my life. I have worked as a full time math teacher and lived on my own since 2004. That happened, I feel, because I was blessed with the right people in my life at the right time.
I think that’s all I have unless I start just listing random facts about myself….
Foxyolive’s Quesions:
What makes you smile? Wow I appreciate this question today more than I thought I would… my dog, Paisley! Fishing at dawn! My blogging friends!!!!
If you could travel back in time, what year would you travel to and why? 1966 is my best answer… so that I could just start over! Only if I could have a non-mentally ill brain just to see if it’d be different. LOLOtherwise, I’ll just stick with what I’ve got.
What is your favorite quote? Never run back to what broke you. (Only because I do it ALL of the time!)
What is your favorite place in the world? Venice, Italy because it sounds cool. Seriously, I have been there and it’s awesome. But I have been there… I also loved Hawaii at night!!! I think Venice is still my favorite.
Ocean or space? Ocean for sure… The water is soooo amazing!!! 🙂
What is your favorite post that you have written? Provide a link! stringing ’em along
Describe yourself in three words. Crazy, stupid, fun!!!
How did you pick your blog’s name? It’s a title that has been with me for a long time. I’ve always felt like something is missing in my life… like a piece to a puzzle is missing, but I’m just not quite sure it is and maybe I’ll never know. So, I don’t know really… just this bit of missing “peace” that is always there. I have always thought it was a bad thing, but lately I’m wondering if it’s not so horrible… maybe it’s more productive and less frightening than I think.
What is the one thing you do every day, without fail? Wonder if I’m good enough 😦
Name a goal that you have not yet met, but are working to achieve. Goals make me extremely anxious and so I avoid them… at all cost! 🙂 or is that 😦
What is your favorite season, and why? Fall is my favorite for sure!!! I love to wear sweatshirts and hate to sweat LOL. No, seriously… I love cool nights and fires and the smell of the leaves and … I don’t know… just the time of the year.
1) What do you miss about your childhood? I know!!! This is probably a tough one! It would suck for me, but I’m sure I could find something… like my Fischer Price Barnyard 🙂
2) What is the most important thing you get from your blog?
3) What is the scariest thing you have done?
4) What did you want to be when you grew up? Doesn’t matter if you haven’t grown up yet 🙂
5) Who inspires you?
6) What has most surprised you about blogging?
7) Where are you happiest?
8) What is your current favorite song?
9) Where would you like to go for an adventure of a lifetime?
10) How did you pick your blog’s name?
11) One thing that makes you smile?
It’s been a long few weeks. The semester ended for me and the students are home doing their things…. as an educator for 22 years I’m worried about what those things might be.
I talked to him. Danger Boy – not God. I’m going to try to say that I didn’t do it on purpose and that I was just messing around. But, that is complete bullshit. I’m going to also try to say that I didn’t think he would be there. Bullshit! Again. However… I was NOT sure what he would do. And, I wasn’t exactly sure what my response would be if he reacted…
I’ve been telling myself all along that that I’m over it. I have to call bullshit on that one also. Just like I had to call bullshit on the way I justified the whole God Damn relationship to begin with. Even after the interaction, when I did tell eventually tell him it was me and he VERY promptly did not pass go, did not collect $200, and blocked me without a word, I thought I was fine.
Fuck no I was not fine!
Not fine.
Not fine.
Not fine.
I think I understand addiction… not that it’s POSSIBLE to understand it. I don’t mean that at all. And, I’m not trying to simplify it a bit. Sorry. Just hear me out… I walked away from him blocking that text and thought… Oh yeah, I’m goodand then suddenly at about 2am… I sat straight up in bed and I could NOT breath. I hurt worse than I’d ever hurt over him – physically or emotionally. I could not collect my thoughts. I don’t even know. I can’t explain what was running through my head other than hearing myself say… over and over… What the fuck did I do to myself? And… Why? How is this possible? He’s been gone? I’ve been good? God, what the fuck did I just do to myself? Things were spinning inside my head and outside of it. I was sweating… Oh my God! I’m not at all trying to make light of addiction, but I had to have been addicted to him and talking to him had to have caused some sort of relapse or reaction or something.
In past posts I’ve said that I was addicted to him, but I wasn’t serious. I couldn’t have been because I did NOT EVEN know what the HELL I was talking about. Or, I don’t know… Whatever… I realize it’s not the same as substance abuse, but it’s got to be close. But in that moment… Oh My God… Jesus, Joseph and Mary. I wanted to die!
With that said… I am as much of a fan of “OMG I miss him posts” as the rest of you especially considering I’ve written 103 of them myself. But, I had to write this. The Fray video came to mind because I keep thinking that I’ve found the end… or the answer… or something and all is good… But it’s not. I have so many questions. I just don’t know who to ask. Or, if they are worth asking. I don’t even know. It’s like I’m settled or reconciled with everything… and then OH NO, no, no… The song doesn’t even mean that probably. I usually am WAY off with meanings… It’s just my song for WTF God! 🙂
Nothing at all like a sweet mixture of strep throat, stomach flu, fever from hell and panic attacks… I got nothing fun to share right now! Hope all is well… missing my bloggin’ buddies. Can’t keep up. Be back soon I reckon….
Ran into Danger Boy today. Not literally. As much as I would like to… I didn’t. He’s a cop and if I ran into a cop car – that is parked – no less – I’m sure that given the history of the situation… *shaking my head* it wouldn’t be good! On the bright side, I would be saving the people some tax dollars because we wouldn’t need to call a separate police officer to make out a report… there would already be one there 🙂 I love how I rationalize things sometimes!
Ok, so theoretically I knew he was probably going to be there which means it wasn’t really a “chance” meeting. But, regardless, I had to be there and so I didn’t have a choice. And… since he was in his car, sitting outside of the school doing his “school security” job (ie; sleeping), I’m sure he didn’t even see me. I say theoretically because after I got him transferred from my school he went to a different school in the district. I just didn’t know where he landed. I had a hunch, but I didn’t want to know. Loads of people wanted to tell me. I just didn’t want to know. I have stalker tendencies and was afraid I’d suddenly morph into one and…. well, Lord knows what a disaster that could turn into…. No, really. I just didn’t want to know. I’m way to chicken to actually stalk someone. I just do it in my head.
Ah… but I turned the corner this morning and there he was in all his glory. I had fully expected goose bump and butterflies as I drove past, but I think the geese flew south and the butterflies died. Which is a very good sign! Maybe I can finally hit “OK” instead of “SNOOZE” this time.
and I’m a slow, slow learner. eh.
Missing Peace 