He told me that he would stay except he can’t trust me. Not me… me being sick. The lies I tell when I’m in a fog. The times I’m down and can’t climb out quickly enough to put the happiness back on my face. The potential of hell that is there. He can’t take the potential. That’s what he can’t deal with… the what if… the possibility of when it “could” all fall apart… the other shoe falling…. the embarrassment it could cause.
It took him all summer to play with my head… told me he loved me.. missed me… couldn’t move on without me… it took him all summer… to play with a sick girl’s mind. Someone he professed to love for a very long time. Someone he knew he needed to be careful with… and in the end… he was just vicious.
Therapy Man tells me that it’s the only way he could walk away – Angry and mean. I told Therapy Man that it just wasn’t him. He was never like that. Therapy Man told me… yes, that is exactly who he has always been.
This isn’t the first or the last time someone isn’t going to stay because I’m sick. Most of the summer I did my own thing. I have actually been broken up with him since January, but was seeing him off and on throughout the summer. I have such horrible abandonment issues that completely letting go of him seemed impossible. Completely letting go of anything in my life seems like an impossible task.
I have so much to say and can’t really figure out how to say much of it. Letting go… moving on with someone and being sick at the same time… knowing that they won’t or might not be able to deal with it??? Why bother because the pain is just too much.
I don’t know. Hearing him finally say that… and, maybe that wasn’t really his reason. God, I have trust issues mixed in all of the other bullshit in my life. Fuck!
Just…. fuck!
Therapy Man told me that if it weren’t for the men my life I wouldn’t need his services. And, I know he’s right… in a sense. If it weren’t for BPD… I wouldn’t need him. It is a painful disease. So much wrapped up inside of it… Layers and layers of pain.
I have no emotion meter… it’s either Bitch or Sweetheart. No in between…. It’s hard to have a relationship with myself let a lone with anyone else. But it’s so lonely if I don’t. And… being alone leads to other things that are unhealthy. so Jesus. What do you do?
I don’t know. I just don’t know. Just survive the pain and move I guess. Smile a little everyday? I suppose.
Missing Peace 
I love you and I’ll be honest. I would have kept glomming on to loser/user/fuckwit after loser/user/fuckwit (“LUF”) until I was old and grey – all along I was desperate. I didn’t want to be alone at all costs, so I lost 5 of my best years before bipolar struck by staying in a platonic relationship and feeling miserable & lonely despite a warm body who shared my tiny studio with my two dogs Tara and Shera. Fucking nightmare. What broke the cycle? A miracle. It wasn’t of my doing. I was friends with Craig for 2 years while I was with my “brother-boyfriend”. He finally told me he was interested and I realized I could be with a good guy who I felt passionate about and who also loved my dogs as much as I did. So it was a miracle, and girl, YOU deserve a damn miracle and even though I’m a Satanist (just kidding! I’ve been watching too much “Silicon Valley” which stars a Satanist computer nerd) no, even though I’m an agnostic I will pray that you get the break you so deserve – I hope that crazy ass serendiptiy enters the picture, and that Paisley gets a Daddy who loves loves loves his Mommy and that the feeling is mutual and healthy!!!!!! (gag me with a spoon, ha ha!)
First and foremost: You deserve to be loved. We all do, that is the mystery of being human.
Secondly, not everyone deserves your love. It is okay to protect it and hand it out sparingly.
I’ve missed you, my friend…
I love you, Cupcake. I am ok! I miss you!
I’m glad you’re okay! I was worried about you, girlie!
No… I’m ok.. hope you are also. 🙂 Kisses!!!
I’m better than I have been in a long time, but when the episodes hit, they hit hard…leaves me waddling around like a lost soul…lol
I love that word… waddle… I hate that you are waddling, but I get it! 😦
I have been waddling all summer!
I understand, girlie! Just continue to fight the fight! We got this!
Yes we do.