Fear isn’t driving anymore!

It is no secret that my life revolves around men. It always has.

Last February I broke up with my last relationship that lasted two years. I did continue to see him throughout the summer even though he started a new relationship. I have issues with letting go of things – mostly men.

I fish with him. It is a hobby of mine … pretty serious one and a very precious one. I compete in bass tournaments. He’s one of my partners.

That’s not him in the picture. That was last weekend at a Breast Cancer fund raiser I fished in. We did pretty well in it, but I fished for the charity of it and was proud to say that the tournament raised a lot of money for the cause!

Onto the point of this entry…. I have been fishing a lot with my eX. We have been talking a lot about us. What was right… what was wrong… We love each other very much still and I knew that. But, most importantly, we like each other so much.

We’ve had all summer to do whatever we wanted. He decided to “move on” and enjoy his summer. I was just going to try to live and figure myself out.

So we talked this weekend while we were fishing.. There’s no where to go when you are on a 19 foot Ranger boat. As I babbled, which is what I do a lot of when I fish. I’m not sure how any of my partners deal with it. Although they say they love it. Keeps them from over-analyzing too much on the water….  I realized that this summer all the hell that I went through I came out on this other side of myself….. not afraid of who I am anymore….

Yep… that was the big revelation that I made on the Ranger… out in the middle of the river…that day.  I’m not afraid of my crazy anymore. I’m not afraid of what people think. I’m not afraid of putting myself out there for someone love.. I’m not afraid of loving myself anymore. I’m not afraid of trusting my judgement anymore. I’m not afraid of being alone with myself….. I’m. not. afraid. of. my. mental. illness. anymore!

I’ve been hiding behind all of this for so long.

No one could love me.

I couldn’t love me.

I couldn’t trust me.

No one could trust me……. and as long and I thought those things about myself …. I was stuck…… but, I have been feeling so much better lately… and I realized that… with the help of my meds and my doctors and MYSELF…. I just didn’t know what was up… new meds? Something had seriously changed.

The key was that I had changed. I was taking care of myself. I wasn’t afraid anymore.

Fear wasn’t driving my decisions any longer. I was.

I don’t know that I am ready to get back with Lee. My bipolar impulsiveness says, YES YES YES! But, I’m cautious. We have talked a lot about things. He has opened up more in a month then he did in the two years we were together. I have found a medicine combination that is working so well.

It just feels so good to not be afraid right now. That’s all I know. 🙂