I’m a school teacher. I’ve been doing it for 27 years. And I lost. At least that is the way it feels. I fought this entire year and I finally couldn’t do it anymore. I was teaching high school math in an inner-city school in the midwest. It’s not Chicago – I’ve taught there. I’d take it over where I am.
I just couldn’t do it anymore. I looked around at all the other teachers and thought that …. well, I thought a lot of really negative shit about myself. And, in the end, I’m just not strong enough to deal with the crap the kids were slingin’.
We have academies in the 9th grade where I was. And, I had the lowest functioning group. 1st grade reading level forced by my state to teach them Algebra. It’s tough when the curriculum is a reading based curriculum. But that isn’t even the problem. The discipline issues are nuts. And in the end…. I just couldn’t deal with them. I just couldn’t handle it anymore.
The anxiety was too overpowering and I was unable to walk into my room. A room full of 14 year olds. Intellectually I was furious with myself knowing that I was letting kids dictate my future. I felt like a little kid. I still feel like one now.
My illness won. After 27 years of battling mornings of anxiety and fear… it finally took over and I have finally lost.
Everyone tells me that my health is more important. I realize that it is. But when you fight daily for so long it feels like you have lost everything. I don’t care what anyone says. And there isn’t a medicine in the world that can fix that.
I don’t know if I will go back. I don’t know if I can… the option has to be there by law. So much is wrapped up into that…. I’m sure they don’t want me back. What emotions will be there next year……. I can’t really deal with it right now. I’m just not strong enough for it.
I just don’t know…… I know that I feel like I have lost to a disease that I have been fighting my entire life. That is all I know right now.
During one of many group sessions a therapist suggested to all of us that we keep a picture of ourselves with us at all times. The picture had to be of us when we were really little – 3 or 4. And, we when we were feeling self destructive or depressed or talking particularly shitty to ourselves, we had to take it out and look at it…. and then ask ourselves if we would treat that little person in the picture that way.
Mine was a picture of me in kindergarten – which of course I can’t find at the moment. It was that little person that I wouldn’t want anyone treating like shit.
The idea behind the dance in the video was that he see himself as his younger self for just a moment… long enough to pull himself up out of a dark moment and carry on.
Every now and then I can still do this.
………………………………… When I want to.
When I want to. I think those words are so powerful with this disease for me.
I stayed home from work yesterday. Because I wanted to.
So easily I slip into an excuse that I need the day off to get my head straight. I’m not “feeling” well. My medicine isn’t right. I’m just not right in my head or my skin.
But the bottom line is… I just don’t want to do it. I take the easy way out.
I am so fortunate. I mean seriously fortunate. I have struggled in my past. I have scars inside and out to prove it – not that it’s necessary to have them – or to need to prove it. By the grace of whoever or whatever (totally different post) I have come through some serious situations. I am on the upside of my disease for now. And I am grateful for sure. And, because of that there is no reason for me to slack.
So easily I can use a day like yesterday to start slipping backwards… letting my head get in the way. Listening to the negativity… rolling over and going back to sleep instead of moving forward and taking charge.
I needed to get up and look into the mirror and see my little self saying… “Get the hell outta bed and go! You have worked to hard to slide”.
I realize that this isn’t scary and edgy – comparatively. But it is my edgy for today. I know myself and I know that I can turn a corner in about 2 seconds if I’m not careful.
Excuses are easy for me to make – easy for me to follow through on and really most people expect them from me.
I don’t want to let my little person down.
It’s hard to see her. But, she is there. She’s… he’s… there in all of us if we want to look.
What if I decided to never talk to that person ever again?
What if I decided to walk into that meeting like it didn’t matter if those people thought my hair was a hot mess and my chosen outfit came out of an 1980’s throwback closet – except I didn’t know I was throwin’ back?
What if …
What if I woke up one morning and chose to accept that I could? That I could control the Paranoia Patol?
I have had issues all my life. Welcome to the club. But, Paranoia has been the biggest Bitch of them all.
It has created the most anxiety. It has caused more problems with relationships – of all kinds. It has ruined multiple jobs…. It has controlled my life in so many ways.
It just comes barreling into my life like a bulldozer and says “No, no, no! I don’t care what you think! You are wrong!”
I don’t care how in “control” of my bipolar/borderline I think I am -obviously I’m not it takes over. In fact, the better I feel, the worse my paranoia gets.
It’s like mental health has to be outta whack all the time…. Something has to be messed up.
Or maybe paranoia just naturally comes out of that? After fighting it for so many years your like “no way can I be feeling good! Something has to be fucked up. Let me find it!” And, if I can’t find I’ll create the shit! Oh, I am good at that!
So lately, I have been repeating those two phrases above to myself when I start to question my boyfriend – or when I have that urge to talk to the person who is really not good for me. Is it helping? Long term? No clue. My anxiety sure seems to subside though. And, we all understand how awesome it is to NOT have to deal with that little bitch of a problem.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been here to write. Feels good to be back and get some things down.
It is no secret that my life revolves around men. It always has.
Last February I broke up with my last relationship that lasted two years. I did continue to see him throughout the summer even though he started a new relationship. I have issues with letting go of things – mostly men.
I fish with him. It is a hobby of mine … pretty serious one and a very precious one. I compete in bass tournaments. He’s one of my partners.
That’s not him in the picture. That was last weekend at a Breast Cancer fund raiser I fished in. We did pretty well in it, but I fished for the charity of it and was proud to say that the tournament raised a lot of money for the cause!
Onto the point of this entry…. I have been fishing a lot with my eX. We have been talking a lot about us. What was right… what was wrong… We love each other very much still and I knew that. But, most importantly, we like each other so much.
We’ve had all summer to do whatever we wanted. He decided to “move on” and enjoy his summer. I was just going to try to live and figure myself out.
So we talked this weekend while we were fishing.. There’s no where to go when you are on a 19 foot Ranger boat. As I babbled, which is what I do a lot of when I fish. I’m not sure how any of my partners deal with it. Although they say they love it. Keeps them from over-analyzing too much on the water…. I realized that this summer all the hell that I went through I came out on this other side of myself….. not afraid of who I am anymore….
Yep… that was the big revelation that I made on the Ranger… out in the middle of the river…that day. I’m not afraid of my crazy anymore. I’m not afraid of what people think. I’m not afraid of putting myself out there for someone love.. I’m not afraid of loving myself anymore. I’m not afraid of trusting my judgement anymore. I’m not afraid of being alone with myself….. I’m. not. afraid. of. my. mental. illness. anymore!
I’ve been hiding behind all of this for so long.
No one could love me.
I couldn’t love me.
I couldn’t trust me.
No one could trust me……. and as long and I thought those things about myself …. I was stuck…… but, I have been feeling so much better lately… and I realized that… with the help of my meds and my doctors and MYSELF…. I just didn’t know what was up… new meds? Something had seriously changed.
The key was that I had changed. I was taking care of myself. I wasn’t afraid anymore.
Fear wasn’t driving my decisions any longer. I was.
I don’t know that I am ready to get back with Lee. My bipolar impulsiveness says, YES YES YES! But, I’m cautious. We have talked a lot about things. He has opened up more in a month then he did in the two years we were together. I have found a medicine combination that is working so well.
It just feels so good to not be afraid right now. That’s all I know. 🙂
In my dark times I’ll be going back to the street Promising everything I do not mean In my dark times, baby this is all I could be Don’t think my mother could love me for me In my dark times, in my dark times
I promise you… that in my dark times, only my mother can love me.
I have entered another dark time.
More new meds.
More crazy spinning in my head.
More pushing people away.
Oh for the love of mental health!
It’s been a long time since I’ve been here to write.
Ya know how it’s gets. How “you – me – I” go to that place and crawl around… in the dark times. And then ya come out for a breath of fresh air and realize … “oh holy shit, it’s October!” Yeah. Me too.. that’s exactly what has happened here with me. Except I’m still in the midst of it all.
I think that’s what happens if you are lucky enough to grow older with a diagnosis… I think you learn to recognize that it’s all happening… and once in a while you are lucky enough to hold on and reach out to reality. Or just let go of the fucked-upness of it all and breath.
I celebrated my 49th birthday this year and my 30th year of diagnosis. 30 years of meds… and doctors not knowing exactly how to treat these ever loving dark times!
Ah, but they do come and they do go! God bless them – the dark times and the doctors, and meds, the crazy head spinning and the pushing more and more people away. Yes they come… and yes they go.
It’s all a funny little circus.
This ain’t the right time for you to fall in love with me Baby I’m just being honest And I know my lies could not make you believe We’re running in circles that’s why
You have a problem, and it’s a rather serious one.
For years, I was blind to your issues. In fact, I have dedicated a large chunk of my life to attempting to be just like you. Not just like Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtown or just like Natalie Portman in Garden State, but just like you, the ultimate combination of all of the characters who fall in your spectrum. I wanted to be the girl who appreciated life more than the people around her did, who relished nature, who approached difficult and awkward circumstances with Reckless Abandon. I wanted to be the girl who lived carpe diem rather than just spewing it forth like the cliche that it is, who danced in parking lots, in the rain, in the woods, in the middle of walking her dogs just…
Stood up….
Turned around….
and
Sat back down again and here I was…
and here I am.
And that has been my summer.
I set out to really just figure my shit out. I figured I’m 49 – maybe I should do that? I created enough mess with all these guys that surely there was something else. I thought… I’ll just go out this summer and “have fun”. Well, I did. … I think.
And….. in the end…. Nothing impressive.
I had fun. I am tired. I have nothing exciting to show for it… except two very cool tattoos… 🙂 No, I was not drunk – I don’t drink.
I think I did determine that I’m not a nuts as I thought I was (I was completely sane when I got the tattoos – they have meaning – of course). I also determined that there are a whole lot of people out there that are crazier than I am! And, I’m not entirely sure that many of them are aware of it. And… I totally mean that with a loving and caring heart.
I didn’t cry much this summer. Which is a first. At times, I was very lonely… but it wasn’t so bad. I was busy doing God knows what so I didn’t have time to wallow in it. And, maybe I wasn’t sad and that’s why I didn’t cry. So… lonely doesn’t always equal sad? And maybe it wasn’t lonely… um… no, it was lonely. I don’t know.
I did change meds a few times and worked myself right out of that suicidal issue I was having – Thank God. That sucked ass! Sorry, but there is no other way to put that.
Hmmmm… I don’t know. School starts again Tuesday. I will have a new bunch of teenagers. Who does this to themselves?
In the end… I don’t feel any stronger than I did when I started the summer. Wait… maybe I do. I should. I did some good things for myself boundary-wise. I’m learning. I don’t think we ever stop learning. I don’t want to ever stop. I don’t want to ever stop growing up.
I don’t think there are any rules about that specifically? Thank God for that. I’ll just keep standin’ up! I’m gonna be that old woman in those movies with those hoochie shorts on and that bad hair dye job in those bars…. haha…
[Note: I talk about emotional pain and not really knowing what to do with it. I whine ALOT. I am new to the struggle with suicide. Please understand that as you read this. If you continue. If you do not I understand please have a safe day.]
Funny thing about abandonment… at least the way it works in my life. I cause it.
I push and push until no one can stand to be around me and then I wonder what the fuck happened… where the fuck did everyone go?
I’m fairly confident that it didn’t start this way. But trying to figure it out is useless in moving forward today.
It doesn’t matter. The boys evacuated themselves from my life for good. They told me they cannot put up with my Bipolar VooDoo any longer.
The point is that they aren’t coming back and it’s a very good thing because I never had the control to turn them away when they were coming back. Neither of them are pillars of society anyway…
Now I need to find myself. As cliche as that sounds it’s as honest as I can be.
I don’t know how to do this. I have been in groups and can talk the talk. (when I wasn’t stuck on the merry-go-round with the demons and angels in my head) Those rides aren’t always horrible. Sometimes they are fun and that’s why I would and still do get lost in them. I have searched books and the internet. I’ve gone through therapists and drugs. FYI: I’ll stay on the medicine and continue with Therapy man.
But I am lost and so scared. The pain is so deep that I’ve actually just recently, after almost 30 years of dealing with this disease, turned to suicide as a means to escape it. Fortunately I haven’t succeeded.
I come to this place for release. I leave this place… WordPress… and I come back… and leave. I have some that I can’t get away from and others I can’t read at all because they trigger so much pain. Everyone is written in such a special way – that is why I follow them. There is a little piece of wonderful in each of you that keeps me going. I’ve been in so much pain that leaving comments has been too hard.
There is this scene in the first of the Divergent series where Tris has to make a decision… in one of the early scenes she has to jump. She doesn’t know what she’s jumping into. She just has to leap. And so she does… she jumps into nothingness… No doubt scared as hell!
You guys here… are my “nothingness”. I don’t know you at all. I put my words out here for you. I trust you with them. They are intimate. They are scary. They are things I would not tell just anyone. You are what I jump into every time. I don’t know you. But, I jump. I leave my words. And then I go. You are my only Ok.
I believe in God. But he in NOT my Ok. I’m not sure I will ever reconcile with him. But I have to figure out how to move on with my life. How to find out who I really am. And I do that by talking through it. Most of the conversations I try to have with God end up very bad. So I come here instead. It’s just easier. I know that I can leave it here… Let Go and Let You…
Staying away from people who make me feel I am hard to love is what this is all about. It’s the core of abandonment for me. I think I have established and re-established that this disease sucks. The paranoia for me is one of the worst. I don’t believe anyone really loves me – most of all myself. I’m hard to love. So I stay away from myself? I stay away from everyone? Actually, I give people a try until I sense they don’t or can’t or won’t love me? And then I fuck it up – consciously or not… I fuck it up.
It doesn’t matter though.
I was telling my sister that I hurt so badly. The emotional pain is like I’m peeling my skin… Good news is that in a way I can feel the new skin underneath coming through. But, yeah… it’s that pain. And, it’s deep. So deep.
In past posts I have talked about the new path that comes out of breakdowns. That we don’t get better. We just start over….
I have to really figure it out this time. LOL. Don’t we always say that? I know I have. I just keep going around and around the hamster wheel and it’s wearing me out. I’m so tired. I think that’s what is getting to me this time. Really breaking me down. Really getting to my head and telling me that there is just no reason to keeping going on.
It will just happen again.
The emotional pain. I suppose I shouldn’t come here and say these things because it might trigger someone. But this is what I come here to do. NOT TRIGGER PEOPLE.. But to write.
Breathing sounds beautiful… wish it were that simple. Actually it is. It really is that simple. I know it is. I need to slow down and make it that simple. I know what I need for myself. I just wish I would let myself do it.
So I start out.. again.. the path. I have wondered if maybe I couldn’t just start my own book? Write my own book. But, I feel like I would be disrespecting the true writers out there who actually have talent and should be writing books for those of us in need.
I don’t know….
This is me… Thank you for being my “OK”, friends. Thank you for keeping me coming back here. For reminding me that it isn’t as bad as I think it is. For reminding me that I am strong enough to get through it. That I can make it to tomorrow 🙂 This song is for all of you!!!
I was standing on the edge I’d long for a new beginning But I couldn’t look down, but I couldn’t look down I’m a coward
A million voices screamed in my head And I felt sure that I would give in So why couldn’t I now? Why couldn’t I now? Your voice was louder
By design God gave me feelings And by design they shall not kill But when the noises overwhelm me I feel sure that they will
Oh, liberation, comes in whatever form to save me I am burdened, and then the whisper comes You whisper in the breeze Whispers that I’m needing Quiet words, soothe the hurt, whisperer
And though I struggle through the days now It helps to know that you are listening So I just wait it out I’ll wait this out, by the hour
By design God gave me feelings And by design they shall not kill But when the noises overwhelm me I feel sure that they will
Oh, liberation, comes in whatever form to save me I am burdened, and then the whisper comes You whisper in the breeze Whispers that I’m needing Quiet words, soothe the hurt, whisperer
Missing Peace 