Sick Cycle Carousel…

I remember standing at the kitchen sink doing the dishes looking out over the back yard thinking – wondering how I had let it all get so bad. He had just drop kicked me in the face. This time it was for simply wanting to take his plate so that I could finish the dishes. He hadn’t even bothered to eat dinner with the family – his two boys from his first marriage and me. I walked into the marriage knowing he was abusive, but I was going to prove to everyone that he wasn’t that man. I was going to show them ALL that he was the man I knew. That he had a good, kind heart. That he loved ME! 

Yeah, that was gonna happen. <— said with as much sarcasm as possible!

My mom often told me to stop picking up lost puppies on the side of the road. I would laugh. She wouldn’t. She has been married 56 years. My mother. How would she know? And beside, she’s the reason I wanna fix everyone in the first place.

Back to that night in the window. Not long out of college, a friend of mine was beaten to death by her ex-husband, in her own front yard, while he was let out on a day pass from prison for “good behavior”. No kidding… Ironic, huh? I remember the talk being about how it had even evolved into such a horrible situation? How had she even married him? How could she not have known he was such a monster? Now I was married to a monster. And, I was having that conversation with myself.

In all fairness… Realllly? There is nothing fair here, I’m with ya on that! My ex-husband had been in treatment and was in recovery when I married him. I was all about giving second chances. Why not? I would want the same.

And so here is my point… the window conversation I was having with myself. How had I let it get so bad? And I would imagine there are others who have had the same “self-conversation”.

It’s really a progression I think… or a mind-fuck (probably the second). Each time I put a bigger band-aid on it. Each time he came crawling back to me and I let him. There is never an excuse. Yes, I deserve/d better.

Nah, It’s a mind fuck. Completely. But seriously, how does it keep happening? Are there just those of us who are wired to go out there and find these people and do this to ourselves? Because, friends, it didn’t stop with this guy. And, it seldom does for any of us in these situations. Or, I could be wrong. I am not at all an expert. I am not at all trying to speak for others in my situation! Please understand that! These are simply observations and I have failed miserably! And, continue to do so…

I continue to put myself in “monstrous” situations. Each time I have similar conversations with myself. They just cycle around themselves…

He was horrible man, but there have been many. Yesterday I posted about my therapist. I had amazing support from my WP friends. I have since been able to wrap my thoughts around the situation and feel a lot better about what to do. The problem lies with all of the other shit that it brought up for me. I will get through it. We all do. Thankfully, I got through the most physically violent of them. Thankfully, I am not a threat to myself.

But, I still have a lot of shit that I need sift through… and now I’m tired of writing. huuuuhhh….