Waves….

My face above the water
My feet can’t touch the ground,
Touch the ground, and it feels like
I can see the sands on the horizon
Everytime you are not around

I’m slowly drifting away (drifting away)
Wave after wave, wave after wave
I’m slowly drifting (drifting away)
And it feels like I’m drowning
Pulling against the stream
Pulling against the stream

I wish I could make it easy
Easy to love me, love me
But still I reach
To find a way
I’m stuck here in between
I’m looking for the right words to say

I’m slowly drifting away (drifting away)
Wave after wave, wave after wave
I’m slowly drifting (drifting away)
And it feels like I’m drowning
Pulling against the stream
Pulling against the stream

The Tallest Man On Earth

“The Dreamer”

I’m just a dreamer but I’m hanging on
Though I am nothing big to offer
I watch the birds, how they dive in then gone
It’s like nothing in this world’s ever stillAnd I’m just a shadow of your thoughts in me
But sun is setting, shadows growing
A long cast figure will turn into night
It’s like nothing in this world ever sleeps

Oh sometimes the blues is just a passing bird
And why can’t that always be
Tossing aside from your birches crown
Just enough dark to see
How you’re the light over me

And by your side, girl, where the acres grow
Into the strong and stunning meadow
A cowboy stumbling in the finest field
And nothing good out there won’t be old

Oh sometimes the blues is just a passing bird
And why can’t that always be
Tossing aside from your birches crown
Just enough dark to see
How you’re the light over me

Sometimes the blues is just a passing bird
And why can’t that always be
Tossing aside from your birches crown
Just enough dark to see
How you’re the light over me

anyone? anyone?

Tell me where did we go wrong
If it’s all good intentions 
Why are we scared of living
Yeah the weight of the world
Its hard enough to hold already
Why does it gotta be so heavy
Baby it’s the little things
Maybe we can change the world
One heart at a time

— Love Too Much, Hunter Hayes

He said that I need to fill the void. How many therapist have told you that? Let’s see a show of hands… anyone? anyone? It’s not like I haven’t tired.

Seriously?

Ok, maybe I haven’t. Unless trying to shove every Tom, Dick and Harry into it isn’t the answer. AND CLEARLY it’s not the answer. So I asked him… or not, maybe I’m asking you.

How do YOU fill the void?

Frankly, I’m scared to death of the void. It’s been there for so long. It’s dark and scary and never ending. It’s rainy in there… storm clouds all the time. No wonder no one wants in. It’s not a pleasant place to be. It’s not at all a pleasant place to talk about especially on a beautiful Saturday morning like today.

So, for another day I will avoid the gap and act as if it’s all sunshine, rainbows and puppy dogs. It’s gotten me by for this long. Eventually I’ll need to start making my way down there. Maybe you guys have some tips. I don’t know… Seems like we are all genuinely in this together. Therapists, medicine, meetings… journeys to hell and back…

I’m sure I have the answer and I’m just too stubborn or too afraid to do the work… sometimes it’s easier to “stay sick”. After 20+ years of being recognizably sick I can honestly say that there are days it is easier. I DID NOT say more pleasant. Easier. Less work. But the pain of the Tom, Dick and Harry’s in and out of my life is taking a toll…..

Way Down Below

Wish I could add the music with these today… If you get the chance the song is Heaven Knows and it’s by The Pretty Reckless. Today is the first I’ve heard the song. I happened upon it actually. I don’t usually listen to this type of music. “Someone” guided me to this channel in my car radio which I seldom listen to… But, it does really describes my mood today… way down below… way down below….

Jimmy’s in the back with a pocket of high
If you listen close
You can hear him cry

Oh, Lord, heaven knows
We belong way down below
Sing it
Oh, Lord, heaven knows
We belong way down below

Judy’s in the front seat picking up trash
Living on the dole
Gotta make that cash
Won’t be pretty
Won’t be sweet
She’s just sittin’ here on her feet

Sing it
Oh, Lord, heaven knows
We belong way down below
Go
Oh, Lord, heaven knows
We belong way down below

I’ve had better days, man
I’ve seen better days
I’ve had better ways, man
I know better ways

One, two, three and four
The devil’s knocking at your door
Caught in the eye of a dead man’s lie
Start your life with your head held high
Now you’re on your knees
With your head hung low
Big man tells you where to go
Tell ’em it’s good
Tell ’em okay
Don’t do a goddamn thing they say

Oh, Lord, heaven knows
We belong way down below
Oh, Lord, tell us so
We belong way down below

I’ve seen better ways, man
I know better ways
I’ve seen better days, man
I’ve had better days

— Heaven Knows, The Pretty Reckless