I haven’t written in a while. I don’t have that pull or ache and that scares me. I know – ridicules. Who wants that? But, that is what usually brings me here to write. I had a face to face with my therapist this week. He is a 5 hour round trip for me and so this winter it was a tricky drive. I didn’t make it much. I’m healthier when I actually see him than talk to him on the phone. It’s been a weird winter.
Yeah… bad winter… My ex told me last night that we just have bad winters… Now he says that. After he goes along with the break up. It’s ok. We weren’t meant to be together anyway… blah, blah, blah and all of that good stuff.
So, I’ve been sick for over a month now… I should quaify that.. physcially sick. Like stomach flu and then a cold and then a “just can’t get my ass off the couch because my head says yes but my insides say NONONO” sick for over a month now. And it’s been a bitch. I went to the doctor once and he said “yep, your sick” and sent me home. Gee, thanks! So I just haven’t been back. So, I’m sitting in Therapy Man’s office – actually laying on the couch – I know, could I get anymore cliche, and I tell him I think I’m actually sick. He thinks I’m just physcially worn out from all the drama. Only he used a much more therapy-ishly smart word for it. I hate it when he tries those words on me. But, he did say I should get it checked out.
And so, we went about trying to figure out if his hypothesis could be true….
1) Broke up with Danger Boy in September
2) Broke up with real boyfriend in early February – needed to do it much sooner
3) Lots – o – mush in the middle of all of that with borderline issues because I am a borderline bitch
Isn’t that the damn truth! So Therapy Man and I realized that I have 5 balls in the air right now… well, 10 figuratively speaking haha… I suppose I have to categorize this post under sex/love addiction. I didn’t realize that there is actually a place to go for love addiction? I’m grateful for that. I don’t know much about it, but it fits me much better than sex addition I think – although PLEASE understand that I’m not sure about any of it at the moment. It’s all very new to me.
I just know that I have an addiction for sure! And it sucks… and it’s hurtful to others! And… I need to get a hold on it. Therapy Man talks about it here and there. He never really sticks with it. I think because I am so obsessive about things that if he did, all I would for the next 6 months is fixate on being a sex/love addict and forget completely (I mean completely) about living my actual life. So, anyway, I decided to look it up. I don’t like labels. I don’t fucking like diseases, but when ya have to get real about somethin’ ya just have to.
So um…. this is a tidbit of what I noticed.
For love addicts, love:
- Is all-consuming and obsessive – Check
- Is inhibited – Check
- Avoids risk or change – Check
- Lacks true intimacy – “true intimacy” Check and check
- Is manipulative, strikes deals – definitely a Check Mark!
- Is dependent and parasitic – I’m a bug!
- Demands the loved one’s complete devotion – oh… me demanding??? Fuck yes!
But…. so much pain in the end… ohhhhh
in the end…… uhhhh….
in the end I go to Therapy Man and he fixes me as I lay on the couch. 🙂
And I listen to my mind tell me to Run even tho I never do.
Oh, I listen to the song… lots, but I never listen to the lyrics! They are good ones for sure! I should listen! But, I still try. Woe is me. Hopeless romantic bitch! Someday my prince will come. I won’t recognize him because he will be nice – well, obviously, he’ll be a prince! Maybe the white horse will tip me off… I doubt it. I’m pretty blind to good things. I don’t know. In the mean time I will continue to go to visit with Therapy Man. Read up on sex and love addiction. Play with Paisley (see latest and great pic below) and live… hopefully illness free.
maybe I should just buy a piano?
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“Run”
Don’t let him lead you to the dark
Don’t tell him all your secrets
He’ll leave you with a broken heart
He’ll try and tell you that he wants you,
Just to keep you on the line
And right when you’re about to move on
He pulls you back every time
Here’s advice for the next one
RUN RUN RUN
Darling, I know that you’re just like me
You give your love up way too fast
But what is gone, it’s gone forever
And there’s no coming back from that
He’s got this perfect way about him
He’ll make you think that you come first,
But you’ll get lost in the challenge
You’re trying not to get hurt
Here’s advice for the next one
RUN RUN RUN
Don’t even search for that four-letter word
You’ll never get it out
You try, and try, and try
But he’ll just shut you down
Don’t wanna say I told you so
So please go now
Here’s some advice for the next one
RUN RUN RUN
Missing Peace 