This song’s for you!!!

[Note: I talk about emotional pain and not really knowing what to do with it. I whine ALOT. I am new to the struggle with suicide. Please understand that as you read this. If you continue. If you do not I understand please have a safe day.]

Funny thing about abandonment… at least the way it works in my life. I cause it.

I push and push until no one can stand to be around me and then I wonder what the fuck happened… where the fuck did everyone go?

I’m fairly confident that it didn’t start this way. But trying to figure it out is useless in moving forward today.

It doesn’t matter. The boys evacuated themselves from my life for good. They told me they cannot put up with my Bipolar VooDoo any longer.

The point is that they aren’t coming back and it’s a very good thing because I never had the control to turn them away when they were coming back. Neither of them are pillars of society anyway…

Now I need to find myself. As cliche as that sounds it’s as honest as I can be.

I don’t know how to do this. I have been in groups and can talk the talk. (when I wasn’t stuck on the merry-go-round with the demons and angels in my head) Those rides aren’t always horrible. Sometimes they are fun and that’s why I would and still do get lost in them. I have searched books and the internet. I’ve gone through therapists and drugs. FYI: I’ll stay on the medicine and continue with Therapy man.

But I am lost and so scared. The pain is so deep that I’ve actually just recently, after almost 30 years of dealing with this disease, turned to suicide as a means to escape it. Fortunately I haven’t succeeded.

I come to this place for release. I leave this place… WordPress… and I come back… and leave. I have some that I can’t get away from and others I can’t read at all because they trigger so much pain. Everyone is written in such a special way  – that is why I follow them. There is a little piece of wonderful in each of you that keeps me going. I’ve been in so much pain that leaving comments has been too hard.

There is this scene in the first of the Divergent series where Tris has to make a decision…  in one of the early scenes she has to jump. She doesn’t know what she’s jumping into. She just has to leap. And so she does… she jumps into nothingness… No doubt scared as hell!

You guys here… are my “nothingness”. I don’t know you at all. I put my words out here for you. I trust you with them. They are intimate. They are scary. They are things I would not tell just anyone. You are what I jump into every time. I don’t know you. But, I jump. I leave my words. And then I go. You are my only Ok.

I believe in God. But he in NOT my Ok. I’m not sure I will ever reconcile with him. But I have to figure out how to move on with my life. How to find out who I really am. And I do that by talking through it. Most of the conversations I try to have with God end up very bad. So I come here instead. It’s just easier. I know that I can leave it here… Let Go and Let You…

Staying away from people who make me feel I am hard to love is what this is all about. It’s the core of abandonment for me. I think I have established and re-established that this disease sucks. The paranoia for me is one of the worst. I don’t believe anyone really loves me – most of all myself. I’m hard to love. So I stay away from myself? I stay away from everyone? Actually, I give people a try until I sense they don’t or can’t or won’t love me? And then I fuck it up – consciously or not… I fuck it up.

It doesn’t matter though.

I was telling my sister that I hurt so badly. The emotional pain is like I’m peeling my skin… Good news is that in a way I can feel the new skin underneath coming through. But, yeah… it’s that pain. And, it’s deep. So deep.

In past posts I have talked about the new path that comes out of breakdowns. That we don’t get better. We just start over….

I have to really figure it out this time. LOL. Don’t we always say that? I know I have. I just keep going around and around the hamster wheel and it’s wearing me out. I’m so tired. I think that’s what is getting to me this time. Really breaking me down. Really getting to my head and telling me that there is just no reason to keeping going on.

It will just happen again.

The emotional pain. I suppose I shouldn’t come here and say these things because it might trigger someone. But this is what I come here to do. NOT TRIGGER PEOPLE.. But to write.

Breathing sounds beautiful… wish it were that simple. Actually it is. It really is that simple. I know it is. I need to slow down and make it that simple. I know what I need for myself. I just wish I would let myself do it.

So I start out.. again.. the path. I have wondered if maybe I couldn’t just start my own book? Write my own book. But, I feel like I would be disrespecting the true writers out there who actually have talent and should be writing books for those of us in need.

I don’t know….

This is me… Thank you for being my “OK”, friends. Thank you for keeping me coming back here. For reminding me that it isn’t as bad as I think it is. For reminding me that I am strong enough to get through it. That I can make it to tomorrow 🙂 This song is for all of you!!!

I was standing on the edge
I’d long for a new beginning
But I couldn’t look down, but I couldn’t look down
I’m a coward

A million voices screamed in my head
And I felt sure that I would give in
So why couldn’t I now? Why couldn’t I now?
Your voice was louder

By design God gave me feelings
And by design they shall not kill
But when the noises overwhelm me
I feel sure that they will

Oh, liberation, comes in whatever form to save me
I am burdened, and then the whisper comes
You whisper in the breeze
Whispers that I’m needing
Quiet words, soothe the hurt, whisperer

And though I struggle through the days now
It helps to know that you are listening
So I just wait it out
I’ll wait this out, by the hour

By design God gave me feelings
And by design they shall not kill
But when the noises overwhelm me
I feel sure that they will

Oh, liberation, comes in whatever form to save me
I am burdened, and then the whisper comes
You whisper in the breeze
Whispers that I’m needing
Quiet words, soothe the hurt, whisperer

NO SOUP FOR YOU

This is “Keep Jami’s Junk in Her Pants Week” according to Therapy Man. Yes, I know, probably way too much info here, but ya needed some back story and well… that’s the back story.

I have a friend that I exchange emails with. LOVE HIM! We have come to refer to this week as “No Soup For You” week.

Needless to say… I had the soup. Yes, again with Danger Boy, even after I named the storm!

And, of course… I don’t just want the soup… I want the recipe!

Thus… I’m looking for allllll kinds of meaning behind the conversation/s we had and have had for the last 3 years! None of them are different, mind you…. but I’m still lookin’ for meaning!

Now… I have had many a talk with many a person about this boy! Yes, yes… I know. He’s a dick. But, the soup is good.  I have paid professionals to tell me that he means nothing behind what he says. It’s just soup – so to speak. My friends – the ones willing to still talk to me about him will say the same thing. Ex-boyfriend still may throw down with him (regardless the fact that he’s a cop) because he’s even more of an idiot than most guys. Yeah… he’s a few bricks short of a load. Again… just really damn good soup…

And… apparently, I am a few bricks short myself.

I do have a problem. I know it and it’s not just Jason/Danger Boy. Which is why my therapist declared it “keep Jami’s junk in her pants” week. He was definitely trying to prove a point. He wins. I lose (which is debatable 🙂  — ok, not funny, sorry. eh!).

Back to my point and my friend… so, I email my friend and tell him I broke the Nazi soup guy rule and while I was at it I did NOT get the recipe. And, on top of it, Danger Boy said some dickish stuff that I should not have been surprised about, but none-the-less, was slightly bent about, but was still wanting meaning and still let him come over, and friend says to me…

I think men…almost all men, say exactly what they mean.  They rarely speak in subtleties like women do.  And as much as it hurts, I think he meant exactly what he said.  I think he’s trying to make it clear that he does not want a relationship.  I know it sucks to hear that, but on some level knowing it allows you the ability to NOT feel compelled to be available to him.

For some reason the skies opened up above and I heard the hallelujah chorus begin to play… it’s not like I hadn’t heard those words before – obviously they weren’t stated quite like that. IDK… here’s the thing my friend doesn’t know Jason at all. He doesn’t know me that well (no! he’s not tasted my soup!) nor is he interested. He lives a million miles away… so it’s NOT LIKE THAT! IDK… I don’t pay him for advice like I do Therapy Man… I just know he doesn’t have any vested interest in telling me what he did. He’s a man and… well…. he’s been around a lot of them. Not that I haven’t, obviously – which is why I have my problems… but, I just don’t learn a damn thing.

This doesn’t happen much – if at all! But I believe the opening of the heavens was a sign that I actually trusted those words for what they were! *happy dance* Now… trusting and acting on them are two entirely different things in my life.

That soup… hmm… that problem I have… hmm.. It is really a problem and I don’t want to recognize it as one. Who wants to admit they are addicted to sex?

In all seriousness?

Here’s the thing. I’m a grown woman. Single. I’d like to think that I can have a “just sex” relationship. I mean why not? Uhh… prolly not. I’m just not built for one? yes, that was actually a question – even tho I already know the damn answer.

Fuck this disease. Yeah, I’m going to blame it a little bit. Just a lil bit. I think if I was just a little bit more normal? No? Prolly wouldn’t make a difference? Uh…. Gah! What’s the keystroke for the middle finger emoji? I’d like that right now!

Oh look… there it is!    

I’m just sitting here spinning right now.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck…

In all fairness, when I was a little girl I never wanted to be grown up! Now I know why!

Love ya Cupcake 😉

a little time is best for both of us?.?.?.

“Be my friend, hold me
Wrap me up, unfold me
I am small, and needy
Warm me up and breathe me”
-Breathe Me, Sia

I don’t believe in words.
I don’t believe in feelings.
Not mine. Not yours. Not even his. 

I’m sorry if you have never given me cause… 
I did the best I could. 
I watched. I listened. I even tried.

I studied people to get right.
There is nothing inside of me. 
It’s empty. It’s void. It’s lifeless. 

I believe in one thing – touch. 
It’s more than just a feeling 
I can hear a touch, can believe it 

You walked away other night – said it’d be a few
weeks while you try to figure it all out. I listened and
let you walk. I know I need this time as well. Earlier
in the night, I told you no one has ever been able to
reach me – touch me the way you do. And, while you
didn’t say a word, I “heard” you respond loud and clear.
I’m not sure I can do this “crazy” dance again either, Jason.
But, you came back suddenly when I was at the worst of
my worst. How did you know that? I don’t know that I’ve ever
been at that place before. And you were there… After all of
that time… I have given in at this point. I have little left that I
believe in. But there is one part that I do believe in and that
showed up when I thought I had nothing left…. I think that
scares both of us. So, time is best for both of us. 

A carousel or a calliope maybe… yeah, I’m a calliope!

Lil background here… I’m the blonde in the conversation. This was in response to me suggesting that perhaps I not stay with my boyfriend because he literally cheated on me… in front of me… and I thought mayybeee.. that was enough to call it quits because, in all fairness, things haven’t been peachy-keen anyway… what the hell. I realize you aren’t getting the entire conversation here… but there wasn’t much more to it.

How exactly… do you not take any of that negatively? I mean a non-bipolar, non-borderline, non-angry normal 48 year woman (frankly I’m not sure one of those exists) whose boyfriend didn’t just nub himself all over a chick right in front of her is gonna be ticked off! She’s gonna vent to a “friend”. Then, let’s throw in the other things that have been building for months – that said friend is aware of!!!! What the fuck… really? I didn’t include the text that said maybe he’d be willing to stick around and work things through with ME because of my issues? My “self-sabotaging” issues… REALLLLLLLY! Oh! I wish you could sense the anger/frustration right now! FFFFFuck!

—– you may want to jump down the the “take note” part of the entry because right now I’m gonna do a lot of bitching and ranting (same thing – I know… needed to use lots of words). ——–

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I just wanna fuck people up sometimes… ummmm. Not socially acceptable for a teacher. Or, I suppose anyone except maybe a mobster.

Here ya go… “Realistically”, FRIEND, I see myself working things out just fine living with this beautiful creature!

… just sayin’…. she wants a cookie when she comes in from the outside. She’d love to go to the park everyday for a walk. BUT… she doesn’t bitch when she doesn’t get one. She shares her couch with me. When I cry she climbs up into my lap  – granted she hangs over a bit – and just sits there while I cry and go crazy. Most importantly, however, she doesn’t have phone to text SHITTY ASS TEXTS! Even though she never would! Because she wouldn’t do that!!! And…. she wouldn’t “nub” all over other people in front of me. Well, not entirely true. If you have a treat she’s gonna love you. So, basically SHE is the complete package!

Yeah. I’ve had shitty relationships. Yeah. I’ve chosen the man. But… let’s chalk experience up here and learn from it and KNOW THAT THIS ONE ISN’T GOOD GOD DAMN IT!

It’s just that I have no spine. No spine to talk to her and say… back off and be nice… of JUST NOT TALK TO HER AT ALL ANYMORE…. This is not the 1st post I’ve talked about “my mean friend”. I have no spine to stand up to him every time he turns the tables on me! Spineless!

Oh… fml!

Uhhhhhh!

TAKE NOTE: This might be the important part of the post! Other parts were just ranting crap! 

Ranting finished. I’m not being hard on myself. I’m working on the confidence thing with my therapist and have really come a long way. I had to dig through some other crap before I could even get to the “living a normal bipolar life”. Just doing that took about a year. I’m just tired of people’s crap. I’m tired of taking it. I’m actually tired of watching myself take it. That’s a huge step in itself. I’ve been standing outside of myself for soooo long because inside myself has been awful (it’s still not great, but someone needs to be in there). It’s just time that I get in there and start working with it. I’m kinda like an old rusty carousel or an old calliope that someone (me) gave up on a long time ago. Cool as hell, but I need to get in there and do some work. Parts are still there… just fallin’ apart…. clear up the cob webs… bang out the dents. Throw some paint on… wind it up and let it roll.

Let it roll.

Poor, poor, pitiful me…

I have a five day weekend coming up… one of my fellow teachers reminded me of that today.  I reminded her that I don’t ordinarily handle them well. She said, “Oh, Jami, Monday will be here soon!!!” *Big grin* She was sincerely trying to help. They are few and far between,  the good ones, but they exist.

My “best friend” was going to visit her friend – another teacher – today after work.  She’s been on sick leave for about a month.  It would be fair to say she had a nervous breakdown. She’s being treated by a psychiatrist and is in therapy twice a week now. My friend said she’s really happy for her. It dawned on me during this conversation that she has known me through two hospitalizations and outpatient treatments and NOT once has she visited me… We hang out when I “well”. She definitely lets me know when I habe my head up my ass… but, when it is bad… nada.

This is the very same friend who helped me through 2 1/2 years of Danger Boy… hating him and our existence together nearly every waking second of it – only to have a conversation with him the day we finally ended things and refuses to tell me what the converation was about. He worked as a police officer at our school, until that day, twice a week and she would go out of her way to avoid him. That is how much she disliked – until he went to her that day. I don’t quite grasp her sudden allegiance.

I was still drowning today when I  had the realization that she hadn’t found it important enough….. oh, just forget it. This is a huge poor, poor me entry.

But I write them. I’m allowed to. That’s why I come here. I come to write whatever the hell strikes my fancy.

Moving on. Me and my dog! I can count on my dog!

Poor, poor pitiful me…

Deep thoughts while locked in the bathroom… no really!

Warning: this may sound weird, but I am locked in my bathroom and all I have is my tablet. The closest person to me is a good hour out… so…. yeaahhh…. It’s gonna be a good minute or two.

So, I decided I’d read… I’ve been reading Brene Brown’s book, “Daring Greatly”. Currently she’s talking about self love. So, naturally I got squimmish and started to shut down. Stop reading! All done! Next! Ya see, self love pisses me off. And, that’s not a good thing because the bottle of xanax is on the kitchen counter….

For whatever reason, this has been a horrible week. I woke up Thursday morning closer to wanting to die – or not wanting to live – than I can ever remember. I wonder, at times, if we are made to forget the other times we’ve been so low, but I digress. This week sucked! I fight happiness at every turn. I refuse to accept that I’m remotely worthy of pretty much anything. I have argued with my therapist to the point that he has actually told me that he’s done giving me sympathy.

As I read Brene I just couldn’t wrap my head around how uncomfortable I was and why I hate myself so much? At this point, 48 years old, is it just a habit, maybe? I mean seriously? I really think it might be. I say I’m fighting happiness at every turn yet I don’t know why… maybe I can’t figure it out because there is nothing to fight anymore.

I wonder what it would feel like if I just stepped off my back and left myself alone for a change?!?!?  Honestly, just thinking about it is kinda exciting. And, luckily the need for xanax has subsided! Yeah… still stuck in here!

I don’t know. Just something to think about.

Um… thanks for keeping me company? Ok, how awkward is that? No seriously. I’m just sitting here typing.. and reading.. ok, I was reading and then typing. I’m going back to reading now… ok, I’m going to stop now.

Paisley The Protector

This is my protector. She is the one I trust. Today… the only one. Back in my blue Adirondack chair today as I took the day off from teaching.  I may be taking the day off from everything. And since it is Friday and my boyfriend is away for the weekend at yet another fishing tournament, I may be taking the whole damn weekend off from it all. 

I don’t trust people to such a degree that I end up trusting everyone with everything.  I know that doesn’t make a lick of sense. I’m complicated. If you spent sometime in my space you’d probably understand. However, after this past week, I have no space for anyone. Except, Paisley the Protector. 

Still watching out…..

I don’t make friends easily… and in all fairness it’s hard being my friend. On my side of it, it isn’t easy because I don’t trust them (I know a contradiction right off the bat – just bare with me)  because I know they cannot handle my intensity when I’m struggling. I warn them that I am too much,  but they don’t understand. Well, I used to warn them but they all bailed and so I just gave up.

But, I was tricked… ok, not tricked. I just thought I was actually having a big girl friendship. I was wrong and it all went to hell. It was all very deceiving and manipulative.  I could see if she felt I was in a space and she needed to contact my therapist – because she did that and it was ok (sort of) but there was so much other backdoor stuff behind it that I still can’t even wrap my mind around it. Even my therpist can’t at the moment.

Borderline people are difficult.  I try not to ride that pony as an excuse. I hate it… when it gets away from me it gets away. I will do everything I can to not take responsibility for it, I know that- I think a lot of us do (crappy ass excuse, I know) BUT, I have never ignored it. I have never hidden it from people or friends – if I’ve bothered to have them. I constantly check in with them and tell them that I’m in a bad space and I know I’m difficult. They should step back or out. DO NOT TELL ME THAT YOU CAN HANDLE IT AND THEN PULL THE RUG OUT FROM UNDER ME OUT OF NOWHERE… ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE 2 YEARS IN.. oh, just forget it.  There is no especially,  I guess.

Really, what does it matter… I am so disillusioned by relationships in general. I don’t understand them. I am horrible myself in them. Horrible, with a capital H. I’ve just never expected anything from myself because I’ve always known that I am flawed… that there is something really wrong with my perspective on life.  SHITTY, I know. I know. I know. Not fair to expect more from others….

Or, maybe it’s that I have been constantly let down by relationships.  I don’t want to give up on anyone though because it is not in my nature to give up… or trust me I would have by now. But at this point…

I am exhausted. I have a feeling I am talking in a giant cirle. Whatever I suppose.

I will just move along…. Paisley will be here.

Securing the perimeter…

I am angry to the Nth degree at the moment.  My borderline… PTSD and I suppose bipolar are in full swing. Although, I’m leaning towards the mood disorders taking control.  It’s an anger that xanax really can’t help and so taking it for anything other than helping sleep seems wasteful. I’m going to try to take care of myself this weekend. At least we are supposed to have nice weather.  I’ll take my protector on some adventures maybe.  If I can get out of the Lego house. 

…… over and out….